to john: why oh why?

I dont want to write about the eheads concert. Im still emotional for that matter. Im sure, uulanin ang blogsphere ng tungkol dun, so ayaw kong makiuso muna. Tsaka na.

Im not going to blog about my ex john here(spelled as jon talaga). But disclaimer muna:

*this is going to be a very boring entry. read at your own risk.

I woke up. Lit my cigarette. Puffed. Grabbed my cellphone. Then I came over this message ni Ericson the other day. "This is going to be tough for the GOP"

He knows, I'm not a democrat, and never was. Believe it or not, when it comes to politics, I'm conservative. I don't want to go into details why am I a republicant. I could go on and on and it will just bore you to death.

Still with me? (Y/N)

So, let me go back to the text message(btw, he is one of my good friends living in the US now... gago ka ton, leche ka umuwi ka na dito.. miss ka na namin). And I went online, goody he is online too!

I present the boring part... (if youre interested with poli-tics(lol) just read on... if not, hit X on the upper right corner)

damdam (8/31/2008 10:31:23 AM): HOLA!
damdam (8/31/2008 10:31:27 AM):
ericson (8/31/2008 10:31:35 AM): dang!
damdam (8/31/2008 10:31:54 AM): i received your message the other day ata.. unfortunately di na ako online nun
ericson (8/31/2008 10:32:17 AM): pero alam mo naman yung issue diba?
damdam (8/31/2008 10:34:14 AM): wala nga akong alam sa nangyayari e.. ang workaholic ko na.. working ako ng 12 hours almost everyday..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:34:33 AM): bitin yung concert ng eheads last night.(segue lang)
damdam (8/31/2008 10:35:47 AM): i'll read the news tomorrow.. walang pasok bukas.. and today is family day so iiwas ako sa issues..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:36:36 AM): ok: naparegister ako kaagad eh, may speakers ka ba?
ericson (8/31/2008 10:36:50 AM): ok isave mo tong link na to
ericson (8/31/2008 10:36:52 AM): http://www.foxnews.com/video/index.html?playerId=videolandingpage&streamingFormat=FLASH&referralObject=3057190&referralPlaylistId=9ccf127ad00c53ab8708e18e946bf50e83958340
damdam (8/31/2008 10:48:45 AM): babae running mate nya?!
damdam (8/31/2008 10:49:28 AM): wala syang enough experience pa..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:49:36 AM): sorry, di ako feminist e...
ericson (8/31/2008 10:49:37 AM): yup, at first i was shocked when i was told over the phone. then i did the research. it think it's a genius move
ericson (8/31/2008 10:49:59 AM): at this point, he has to do what it takes to win
damdam (8/31/2008 10:50:06 AM): teka, pero (bias opinion ko lang) di ako pabor sa babaeng leader e..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:50:19 AM): wow stunt ba ito?
ericson (8/31/2008 10:50:32 AM): ako rin, vice naman eh.
damdam (8/31/2008 10:50:41 AM): kinuha nya for charms?
damdam (8/31/2008 10:50:54 AM): i mean to get the charisma ng voters na may puso ang GOP?
damdam (8/31/2008 10:51:10 AM): hmmm..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:51:32 AM): teka tulog pa utak ko mula sa lakad ko last night.. di pa ako maka react..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:51:36 AM): i think it's one of the reasons. the atmosphere here is that most are electrified
ericson (8/31/2008 10:51:46 AM): sige iabsorb mo muna
damdam (8/31/2008 10:52:08 AM): sige sige.. i'll say my piece siguro sa blog ko..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:52:16 AM): pero nagulat ako ha!
ericson (8/31/2008 10:52:35 AM): it's a far better move than obama with his white house dinosaur joe biden
damdam (8/31/2008 10:52:50 AM): haha...
damdam (8/31/2008 10:53:40 AM): pero anong nangyayari sa election nila/nyo? nagiging karnabal e..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:53:50 AM): di ko ma feel yung parang dati..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:53:57 AM): yung.. i dont know the word..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:54:22 AM): i just hope black women who think about voting for obama just because he's black for trailblazing purposes, to check sarah palin out just because she's a woman
damdam (8/31/2008 10:54:23 AM): yung integrity ng bawat isa.. yung magandang subaybayang competition ng utak..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:54:53 AM): thats another point i want to tackle din..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:55:17 AM): medjo sa culture ng black women, they belive they are stronger females than white females..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:55:37 AM): obama changed things because of his "blackness" it threw issues and arguments off the table!
damdam (8/31/2008 10:55:41 AM): parang mahirap kunin ang amor ng black women..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:55:57 AM): good point right there
damdam (8/31/2008 10:56:05 AM): iniisip ko tuloy kung good move na sya ang runnng mate..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:57:03 AM): this is why i ask, gusto kong makuha yung opinions ng babae rito
damdam (8/31/2008 10:57:25 AM): di kasi ako peminista e.. sensya na..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:57:56 AM): the moment na tinanggap ko na peminista ako e tinatanggap ko na rin na may opresyon laban sa babae.. e naniniwala akong wala
damdam (8/31/2008 10:58:10 AM): isa pa, di ko kailangan ng equality.. what i believe in is balance..
ericson (8/31/2008 10:58:15 AM): especially yung mga babaeng dems na nadisappoint na 1: hindi si hillary ang rep for prez, 2: hindi sya yung kinuha ni obama for VP
damdam (8/31/2008 10:59:05 AM): ang comics ng election kung si clinton ang running mate ni obama tapos si palin ang sa gop
ericson (8/31/2008 10:59:34 AM): maybe decades from now..
damdam (8/31/2008 10:59:36 AM): nakakaloka yun.. parang threat sa akin actually, ayaw ko talaga ng leader na babae hehehe....
ericson (8/31/2008 11:00:03 AM): ako rin, no way.
damdam (8/31/2008 11:00:03 AM): im not saying they cant rule..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:00:20 AM): hindi kasi kayang i sustain e.
damdam (8/31/2008 11:00:51 AM): basta ayaw ko ng babaeng leader.. unless amazona tribe yan duh..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:01:11 AM): men rules the world..women rules over men.. do the math..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:01:12 AM): joke lang
damdam (8/31/2008 11:01:21 AM):
damdam (8/31/2008 11:03:03 AM): pero sige pag iisipan ko kung magandang move yun
damdam (8/31/2008 11:03:12 AM): so far parang ang desperate e..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:03:13 AM): parang pamilya, i'm sure women are capable of being the leader of a family. pero it won't help that the perceptions of other uncivilized families with male leaders, would be that they are weak
damdam (8/31/2008 11:03:29 AM): agree..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:03:33 AM): true..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:03:56 AM): radical move indeed, desperate measures for desperate times.
damdam (8/31/2008 11:04:04 AM): women are weak(lings) kaya nga men should take care of us e..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:04:10 AM): lol.. sarap ng inaalagaan noh..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:04:26 AM): i hope lang sana mag work yung move na yan..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:05:00 AM): i was really worried na mananalo na tong si barak hussein osama, i was ready to make plans based on his victory
damdam (8/31/2008 11:05:04 AM): sa totoo lang mas interisado ako sa elections jan que sa elections dito..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:05:27 AM): if he wins.... god bless our souls..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:05:30 AM): lol
ericson (8/31/2008 11:05:37 AM): seriously
ericson (8/31/2008 11:05:49 AM): it will be a..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:05:53 AM): DARK time
ericson (8/31/2008 11:09:48 AM): kinikita ko na na mas magiging kupal yung mga negro
ericson (8/31/2008 11:10:01 AM): tapos matutuwa yung mga terrorist
damdam (8/31/2008 11:10:52 AM): sobra ka naman.. wag kang apocalyptic..
damdam (8/31/2008 11:11:22 AM): shit happens for a reason..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:11:23 AM): they actually say that over in palestine, they support him
damdam (8/31/2008 11:11:35 AM): yup i heard that
ericson (8/31/2008 11:12:42 AM): it's powerful that his dad is muslim educated as a child in jakarta, and has HUSSEIN as a middle name!
damdam (8/31/2008 11:13:19 AM): he is black, muslim, ano pa kaya?
damdam (8/31/2008 11:13:59 AM): and i have to admit, he is smart too..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:16:30 AM): no doubt about intelligence, most of them are. character is going to be the basis
ericson (8/31/2008 11:16:55 AM): ok alis na ako..
ericson (8/31/2008 11:17:11 AM): enjoy the weekend (and the pic)
damdam (8/31/2008 11:17:12 AM): sige

And here I am, still wondering, john,is this a stunt? Because if it is, im not buying it (as of this moment)

Maybe(or im sure), you are asking: Why am i interested with their politics? Admit it, our politics is mirroring theirs. Our society is a shadow of their past. What matters to them now, will matter to us someday.

(i miss intelligent talks... with coffee and cigarettes... anyone?)

masahol pa ito sa breakup

a glimpse, a glance
----------------------

...it was like a:

christmas sensation
held a special link of
reasons and logic
of majestic illusions.

Nevertheless,

everything was just fantasy.
imagination of the forever
cheers and laughter
overjoyed then it was over

now, gone, done?

----------------------

3 years from now...

I saw this website http://futureme.org/ which allows you to send email to your future self.

Im pathetic. Im excited.

Ano na kaya ako 3 years from now? May love life na kaya ako by then? O nagka boyfriend daw kaya ako? Ikakasal pa kaya ako? May pag asa pa kaya akong ikasal?(sige na ititigil ko na ang usapang lablyp, di matatapos yung mga tanong e)

Ano na kaya trabaho ko by that time? May trabaho pa kaya ako nun? Same company? Lumaki kaya sahod ko(josme! sana naman!). Nasa pinas pa ba ako? o nag desperate move na ako at umalis na rin ako ng pinas?

Ang utols ko kaya, pasaway pa rin? May kinasal na kaya sa kanila? Ilan na kaya pamangkin ko nun? At kamusta naman ang nanay ko sa panahong yung?

Ang anak ko? Pasaway kaya? O mas pasaway pa than expected? Ilang meeting na kaya sa principals office ang pinuntahan ko?

Ayus pa rin kaya kami ng ama ng anak ko? o baka nakalimutan na nya kami? o kinuha na rin nya si junakis ko? o kinuha nya kami!?(asa...)

Pero, ang mga importanteng tanong sa lahat:

Naniniwala pa kaya ako? Buhay pa kaya ako? Kinaya ko kaya? Pinatawad kaya nya ako? Minahal kaya nya ako?

munting ala-ala sa lumipas na ligaya

Ang mga tulang inaalay ko sa nakaraan. Ngayon, ay inihahadog ko sa iyo bilang kaibigan. Maligayang kaarawan.(alam mo kung sino ka)

* yung mga unpublished sa previous blog ko e di ko na sinama, kahit gusto mo ng kopya.bleh! sabi mo kasi yung nasa blog ko lang yung gusto mo ng kopya e.

---------------------------

The Unplayed Pachelbel (2008 July)

the promise he will play
music of his heart

for me and eternity
that hope of serenity
in dreams i will find
light he brought
slowly dims tonight
the kisses and i love you's
in my memories i will keep
keys that will never be played
and notes will no longer symphonize
melody slowly fades inside
we are broken tunes
of our forevered past
now everything is out of tune
and then
ends like shattered glass

---------------------------

---------------------------
No, this is not about love (2008 June)

no,
this is not about love.
the warmth it gives us
while the cold wind blows,
or the smooth touch
though a wrinkle feels
your hands
sliding, gliding
through the memories
of forever lost.
droplets of rain
from the glistening eyes
of sadness?
of glee?
voices that echoes
inside the heart
whispering phrases
that lips can not speak.
scented spring
in mid november
and
the sunlight in winter

no,
this is not about love.
but the wonderful feel
that is mystery
or misery
inside,
stuck in my soul,
which i keep on denying.

---------------------------

---------------------------
Bukas ang Kahapon (2008 April)

sa dilim ng paligid
na ating ginagalawan
ikaw lang ang gabay
na nagbibigay daan
pabalik sa pinanggalingan
aking iniwasan
harapin ang nakalipas
ng walang talikuran

dalhin mo ako
sa aking kahapon
muli mong buksan
ang mga pagkakataon
mga bagay na nilimot
panahon na binalot
ng pait at hapdi
mga luhang idinulot

at bukas makalawa
ngiti ay makikita
mga matang nangungusap
may ningning, may kislap
ikaw ang dahilan
ng bawat ligaya
tuwa sa puso
galak ng kaluluwa

salamat sa lahat
walang sawang bulong
na narito ka pa
handa akong ibangon
munting halik
haplos at yapos
pagmamahal ko
buong-buo, iyong-iyo
---------------------------

Is the Filipino Still Worth Dying For?

25 na taon na ang nakakaraan ng mamatay si Ninoy sa Manila International Airport. Taun-taon, ginugunita natin ang kanyang tapang ng mag desisyon syang bumalik sa Pinas kahit na may pag babanta sa buhay nya maibalik lang ang demokrasya sa bansa.

But, are we really worth dying for?

Magpahanggang ngayon, hindi ko alam kung ano sagot o opinyon ko dito. Bigo ako sa bawat taon na sagutin ko ang tanong na iyan.

Kanina, bago ako matulog, sinubukan ko ulit syang sagutin. Paano kung ako ang nasa katayuan ni Ninoy ng panahon na iyon? Uuwi pa rin ba ako ng bansang sinilangan para lamang ipaglaban ang aking paniniwala? Iiwan ko ba pamilya ko para makipag talastasan sa isang diktador? Isusugal ko ba buhay ko para sa mamamayang Pilipino?

May sagot na ako at sa ngayon lamang ito. Ang sagot ko - MAAARI. Maaring gawin ko rin ang ginagawa ni Ninoy. Given na pareho kami ng katungkulan sa lipunan at pareho kami ng katayuan sa buhay. Maaring gawin ko rin ang ginawa nya.

Ngunit isa lamang akong damdam. Ang pwede ko lang gawin ay alagaan ang demokrasya na pinaglaban nya nuon. Ipagtanggol ang aking karapatan at ipagpatuloy ang moral obligation ko sa lipunan. At para sa akin, sa panahon ngayon e subjective na ang "the filipino is worth dying for" na linya. Iba nuon, iba na rin ngayon.

Ayaw ko ng pagisipan na yan. I will cross the bridge when I get there. Pero sana wag ng umabot pa sa ganun ulit. Mahirap ang buhay daw ng pigil ang kilos.

Kung sa bagay, kung hindi dahil sa pinaglaban nila nuon, malamang e may curfew pa rin at hindi na talk of the town ang nalalapit na reunion concert ng eheads at april boys ca ccp sa August 30.

Wala pa akong ticket para sa eheads. At makikipagpatayan ako makakuha lang kahit na isa (pwede rin dalawa, para may ka date ako).

See! iba nuon at iba na ngayon!

By the way, here is the arrival speech of Ninoy, undelivered.

basta writer, swit laber

Hindi ko na kaya ang pag titiis na ito. Naka move on na ako, kung kaya nag move na rin ako ng bahay. Limutin ang nakaraan. At simulan ang bagong panggagago blog.

Sa mga nagtaka kung bakit ako nag sara ng http://sanesaneinsane.blogspot.com e eto lang masasabi ko...

...SIKRET!(para masaya)

Joke lang. Pero hindi dahil sa isang lalaki(taena tlaga yang ibang mga lalaking yan) ang dahilan ng paglisan ko sa aking lumang bahay. Marami lang akong sudden realization ng aking complications sa buhay. Na umabot sa punto na ayaw ko ng mag sulat.

May ibang taong nakakaalam ng detalyadong rason kung bakit ako umalis at muling nagbabalik. Isa pa, ayaw kong makiuso sa pagsasara ng iba dyan(magbalik loob na kayo). May dalawang kaganapan nitong buwan na ito na nag pa yoyo sa utak ko; una ang pagtanggap ko sa kasalukuyan kong sitwasyon, pangalawa ay ang malungkot na paglisan ng isang kuya ko sa buhay.

Tama ang sabi sa akin ng isa kong kaibigan sa blogsphere(in real life na rin). Pinamukha lang naman nya sa akin na ang mas matimbang ang rason ko dapat para mag bukas ng blog dahil sa pagkawala ng isang kuya. Kung mag bubukas ulit ako mas marami akong kayang gawin kahit na mas masarap tumanga. Pero obviously, hindi ko sya sinunod. Nagbukas na alng ako ng bago. (salamat tsong, pinamukha mong tae ng rason ko para magsara...)

Pero, anestli, nasaktan ako kaya ako nagsara. Pero pinamukha na naman sa akin nang pagkawala ni kuya na maigsi ang buhay para magdrama. Ang lagi ko ngang sabi dati "life is too short for stupid dramas" - na nakalimutan kong bigla dahil nag padala ako sa bwakanang shet na emosyon.

Mahirap tanggalin sa sistema ang mga nakasanayan na. Kaya eto akong muli; nagpapapansin at eepal sa mga blog nyo, kakatok sa mga cbox nyo, makikipag kulitan sa mga post nyo, at susubukan na tanggalin ang pagkabagot nyo(lalo na sa mga petix jan na empleyado).

And now, I shamelessly present: http://damdamn.blogspot.com